Off to Muggleland
by Ayla Pascal
Summary: Albus and Rose turn up on Dudley's front lawn.


**Author Notes**: Thank you to aigooism for the beta!

Those obnoxious kids were on his lawn again. Dudley resisted the urge to grab a stick from his garden and wave it at them in his best imitation of a curmudgeonly old man. They were always there, messing up his flower bed, kicking up clods of grass, and making a general nuisance of themselves. Dudley had gone over to his neighbour's house several times to ask them to keep a better eye on their children, but he might as well have been talking to a brick wall for all the good that did.

"Hey!" Dudley exclaimed as he opened his front door. "Shoo!" He waved his arms at them.

The girl looked up. "Uh oh," she said. She reached over and poked the boy standing next to her.

"Rose!" the boy complained loudly.

As Dudley took a few steps closer to them, he realised that these weren't his neighbour's kids after all. These two seemed younger and they were wearing the oddest clothes. The boy seemed to be wearing a dress and the girl was wearing a blazer that trailed the ground as she walked. "Playing dress-up, I see?"

The boy looked confused. "Aren't these clothes right?"

Dudley blinked. He wasn't sure what to say to that. Then again, he was never sure what to say to kids. "Er, no, they're not. Boys don't usually wear dresses."

"I told you, Albus," Rose said. She stuck her tongue out at Albus. "I _told_ you we should've asked mum."

Albus rolled his eyes, looking far too serious for his age. "We're running away. We can't tell our parents!"

Dudley gave a start. These kids were runaways? That probably meant he should go and ring the cops. He was pretty sure he should report that kind of thing. "You should go home to your parents," he said awkwardly. "They're probably missing you."

"We don't wanna go back to our parents," Rose told him as she folded her arms across her chest. Dudley frowned. There was something about this situation that he couldn't quite put his finger on. The boy's name was _very_ odd. It sounded almost like ... no, that was ridiculous. These kids weren't associated with _that_ bunch.

"But you should go back to your parents," Dudley explained. He couldn't help but look around the street, wishing that one of his neighbours would come out of their house. It was times like this he wanted a neighbour who could come and take care of these kids. His neighbours were nosy, but they were far more likely to ask questions later rather than help now.

"Why?" Rose asked. She put her hands on her hips and widened her eyes.

"Because they care about you," Dudley told her. "Look, your mum's gotta be worried about you by now." He hesitated, trying to think of something else to say. "She's probably crying! You don't want to make her cry, do you?"

"But we want to be Muggles!" Rose exclaimed, sticking her lower lip out. "Mum's always said good things about Muggleland."

"Rose!" Albus shook his head emphatically. "You said you wouldn't say anything!"

"M... Muggles?" Dudley repeated. He hadn't heard that word in years, ever since that last time he saw Harry Potter. These kids were obviously magical then. He looked closely at the girl, noticing for the first time her curly red hair and intense blue eyes. He then looked over at the boy. Albus had a mop of unruly hair and green eyes that were currently staring daggers at Rose.

"I didn't say Muggles," Rose said quickly. "I said... muffins."

"You want to be muffins?" Dudley asked dubiously. If that were true, then these kids were stranger than he first imagined. He'd never known anybody to profess a desire to be a type of bread before.

Albus rolled his eyes. "I don't think he's buying it," he whispered.

"I can hear you," Dudley said, feeling slightly annoyed. "And I know what you are. You're magical folk, aren't you?"

"We might be," Albus said cautiously.

Dudley stared at him. "Your father's Harry Potter," he said. It was a statement, not a question.

"Only his father," Rose said, sounding indignant.

Dudley had no doubt that her father was probably one of Harry's friends. She was probably the daughter of that red-headed fellow he'd met a couple of times. "You kids should go home," he told them sternly. He looked over his shoulder longingly at the open door.

Rose shook her head emphatically so that her pigtails flew around her head. "We want to live here with you in Muggleland," she said. "So we can play around with things like eklecrity and the Interweb and Muggle things like that."

Dudley stared at her. "No," he said flatly. "Go away."

Rose glared at him. "You're just as grumpy as Uncle Harry said."

Well, that figured. Dudley didn't expect Harry to be singing his praises but he didn't think that Harry would be complaining about him to his children. "So what?" Dudley waved his arms at them, hoping that would help. "Shoo!"

That didn't seem to work. If anything, the kids seemed even more determined to stay on his lawn. "We want to see what it's like being a Muggle."

"Less weird than your life, I'm sure," Dudley muttered. He sighed. Well, that probably wasn't really true. He thought that back when he was a kid, but over the years, he'd learned that wizards and Muggles weren't all that different after all. Muggles had wars as well, and there was definitely no shortage of despotic dictators in either world.

"Well, of course, my life's weird," Albus told him. "My dad's the famous Harry Potter."

Dudley looked down at him. Albus really didn't sound all that pleased about having a famous father. He was beginning to get an inkling as to why the kids might have wanted to run away from home. "It's not that much better being a Muggle, you know," he said slowly.

Rose gave him a bright smile. "Sure it is," she said confidently.

"Nobody would know us," Albus explained. There was a little spark in his eyes as he said those words.

"But your parents wouldn't be here," Dudley told him. "And it can't be all bad where you come from. I hear you guys have these amazing powers." As the words came out of his mouth, Dudley suppressed a brief twinge of jealousy. Ever since he learned that Harry was a wizard, he'd wanted to become one too. It was so _unfair_ that Harry got to go off and play with magic, while he got stuck going to the same old school everybody else went to. It infuriated him when Harry used magic to play tricks on him, and he couldn't fight back with magic because he didn't have any. Of course, most of those instances weren't Harry's fault. He knew that now. Dudley sighed. Plus that was before he realised how much Harry had to deal with and how being magical wasn't all sparkle and wonder.

Rose shrugged. "So what?"

"You wouldn't be able to use them if you lived with me as a Muggle." Dudley leaned forward and spoke in a low tone. "In fact, you'd have to go to a boring old Muggle day school where you would have to learn maths instead of magic."

Rose frowned. "That doesn't sound like much fun."

"It isn't," Dudley told her. "And some Muggle kids can be mean. They do this thing called a 'swirly' where they flush somebody's head down a toilet." Dudley crossed his fingers behind his back. He didn't really want to mention to these kids that it was usually somebody like him flushing somebody's head down a toilet. Those days were long past and Dudley really didn't like thinking about the person he was back then.

Albus wrinkled his nose. "That sounds... icky."

"It is," Dudley confirmed. "And that's not everything. They serve this mysterious meat for lunch but nobody knows where the meat comes from. It's gloopy and you can't get the taste out of your mouth for hours afterwards."

Rose was looking a bit green.

"But in your world, you'll get to go to ... that school in a few years," Dudley said.

"Hogwarts?" Rose offered.

"Yes," Dudley said, nodding. "You'll get to go to Hogwarts soon and learn spells and how to be a great witch or wizard. It'll be fun."

Rose looked pensive. "Hogwarts does sound like fun," she agreed.

Dudley mentally gave himself a thumbs-up. "Harry always seemed to like it."

Albus removed a long stick from a pocket in his dress. "I could fight the bad guys like this!" He waved the stick around with a flourish.

"Hey!" Dudley said, taking a quick look around. His neighbours were rather obnoxious and nosy. They were probably peering out of their curtains right now and he didn't want them to see magic. That would lead to too many questions. "You might not want to do that. Not outside anyway."

Albus rolled his eyes. "It's not a _real_ wand," he said. "It's just a toy." As if to prove his point, he spun the wand around and sparks flew out of the end.

"It looks real enough," Dudley said dubiously. He took another glance around before half-turning around. He took a few steps back towards his house. "Come on, I'll call your parents and get them to come to pick you up."

He crossed his fingers and hoped that the kids would follow him. He wanted to get them back to their parents. Harry had given Dudley a number a few years back that he could be reached on. Dudley hadn't had occasion to use it until now, but he hoped it would work. As Dudley walked back towards the house, he snuck a brief look over his shoulder and saw the kids were following him.

"I'll get you some juice and chocolate," Dudley offered as he pushed the front door open.

He could almost audibly hear Rose's ears prick up. "Chocolate?" she asked.

Suddenly, Dudley found himself pressed against the wall of his front room as the kids barrelled past him, obviously looking for the kitchen. "Third door on the right!" he called after them. "The chocolate's in the pantry."

"Thanks!" Albus's voice floated back towards him.

Dudley couldn't help but smile and shake his head with bemusement as he picked up the phone. Looking through his phonebook, Dudley found the correct number and dialled. "Uh... Harry?" Dudley said quickly. The person on the other end of the line made a noise of assent. "It's me Dudley."

There was silence.

"I just wanted to tell you that your kids are here at my house," Dudley said. He snorted. "Apparently they want to be Muggles."

There was a very loud, very relieved sound on the other end of the line. "Hermione! Ginny! The kids are safe!"

Dudley smiled. "So... I guess," he said awkwardly. "If you want to come over to pick them up... I'll be here all day. They're just raiding my kitchen for chocolate right now."

"We'll be right over," Harry promised quickly. "Thank you so much."

"No problems," Dudley said.

There was a brief pause. "It'll be good to see you again, Dudley."

Dudley smiled. "You too, Harry."

-fin


End file.
